Gender and Pronouns

I’m non-binary agender. Sometimes I joke (in a not really joking way) that my gender is “Autistic” and that feels about right.

Part of my mind is still good with “female” or “demi-girl” because they’re somewhat familiar. I don’t feel upset by she/her pronouns either — familiarity goes a long way for me. The only difference between she/her pronouns and he/him pronouns to me is that the former is more familiar while the latter is less.

Alas, even the thought of trying to explain alternative pronouns to people in real life is terrifying. I struggle with speaking words, I struggle with change. Both of those things are involved in explaining they/them or other nonbinary pronouns to people in real life.

So I stick with the familiar, mostly, even though they aren’t quite accurate or comfortable.

When I sing along to songs, I’m equally (un)comfortable singing that I’m a woman vs that I’m a man. I’ve often acted in plays in roles that encompass both binary genders. As a child I preferred male roles. My theatre instructors would often suggest that I could make the character female, but I didn’t see the point in changing the scripts for something that didn’t make a difference to me.

Neither binary gender fits, neither ever has.

Yet, explaining my (lack of) gender to people in general is complicated. It feels too difficult.

So I don’t generally do it. I’ve no plans to do it on any sort of wide scale, certainly.

But that doesn’t make me or anyone else in a similar situation any less agender. I’m fairly open about it with people who are close to me, but I just cannot personally handle changing my pronouns and reminding people and explaining it at all to anyone I’m not ready to tell.

Not everyone who’s agender is “out” about it. Not everyone will choose to use alternative pronouns even if nonbinary pronouns might be more comfortable in an accepting and easier to explain society.

Not all of us are comfortable with the changes that using different pronouns would create in our lives — especially with the current political climate in the USA.

Maybe someday it’ll be an easier thing, but until then this is okay too ❤

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12 thoughts on “Gender and Pronouns

  1. Oh, gender and pronouns are both so complicated! In a way I feel similarly to you, but in a way I don’t. I would say I’m non-binary, but not agender. I think of myself as roughly half male, half female, but that does feel like a gender, not like having none. It’s not fluid either, I always feel the same inside, although my outward presentation swings from more masculine to more feminine and back. That’s only the exterior, though.
    Of course, having a woman’s exterior, everyone sees me as a woman and applies female pronouns to me. Which I’m fine with. Probably, like you say, because I’m not used to anything else. If anyone said “he” to me, I wouldn’t be offended, it wouldn’t even feel terribly weird, it just never occurs to anyone. When singing along so songs, I feel equally comfortable singing that I’m a woman or that I’m a man. I’m never really uncomfortable. Not with the pronouns either, I don’t really want to change anything. I guess I’m lucky because I’m comfortable with the way things are, and I know it’s more difficult for other people.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That sounds like a pretty good place to be gender-wise, for sure 🙂

      The main term that makes me super uncomfortable and is sometimes applied to me is “woman.” It has never fit. It basically feels like I’m Cinderella’s step-sisters shoving my size 10 (usually bare) foot into a size 5 high heel shoe when people use it to refer to me.

      Mostly I try not to think much about the terms that make me uncomfortable and can often succeed at that so I’m definitely not as badly off as many are.

      I really just feel like I’m me, myself, Aria. That’s it ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I totally relate to this. I’m AFAB non-binary but genuinely prefer her/she pronouns. Even if I did prefer they/them, I think I would find it very very hard to remind everyone to use them. I completely out as non-binary and have changed my name, but I massively avoid explaining what being non-binary and being agender means to people I don’t know really well. I would just find it too overwhelming and exhausting to keep explaining it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes! Explaining is hard, especially in person.

      I’m okay with my name. I don’t go by my given name any longer aside from on legal documents and even though my nickname is considered feminine, it’s not a common name (I’ve only ever met one person who had it as a given name) which means that it feels more like “just me” than anything else.

      It’s such a good feeling to be okay with one’s name! I was in middle school when I discovered the name I go by now and it just feels so comfortable ❤

      Thank you for reading and commenting! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i dont think you realize just how much i needed to hear this. i’m working on my own first post about my nonbinary gender nature, and i am scared out of my mind and it feels as though i have no words. it will be up in an hour or so… if you want to read it, i’d be honored beyond comprehension.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This makes so much sense to me. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m kind of gender fluid and that I seem to oscillate between female, agender, and something in-between (demigirl, I guess). I’ve never really felt “male” in any way though. I don’t even really feel that I have any definable non-binary element to my genderfluidity, but I guess that by virtue of being *not binary* that makes me in some way non-binary. But I can’t even quite pin it down to this, and find it so difficult to explain. So I mostly just stick to “she/her” pronouns and moving through the world as someone perceived as female. I guess I’m a woman “politically” more than anything else.

    I also only recently realised that despite being married to a man and having two children conceived in the standard biological manner, I’m actually probably panromantic but actually closer to being asexual than allosexual – hubby and I still regularly have sex, and I enjoy it when it happens, but I’m really not bothered if it doesn’t, and can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever actually been sexually attracted to anyone; only romantically or aesthetically attracted to people.

    I also don’t feel personally like I can separate my feelings about sexuality from my feelings about gender. Part of what makes me uncomfortable about being thought of as a “woman” is that societal gender norms mean women are far more likely to be sexualised. I’m actually pretty sex-positive, for other people who are into it; it’s just not something I’m that comfortable with myself. I feel it’s *completely* wrapped up on my being autistic.

    And I would so love to be open about it, it find it so darned difficult and complicated to explain that the thought of doing so makes me feel exhausted, so I don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes!!! Oh, I can relate so much to all that you’ve written here ❤

      Thank you for reading and commenting 🙂 I keep hoping that I'll be less overwhelmed and better about responding to comments, but it hasn't happened so far. Maybe someday soon though!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. In a further update since this comment, I’m now thinking I’m not as gender-fluid as I thought I was. I’m now thinking I’m just kind of non-binary, but more at the female end. My fluidity is more in how I *want to present* than how I feel internally (although sadly, I don’t think I’m comfortable enough to present more adrogynously/masculine, even when I feel like it). I still can’t pin it down very clearly, so maybe non-binary IS the most accurate catch-all for me…

        Liked by 1 person

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